Gems Counselling Space
I am passionate about working with people around bereavement and grief. I am also passionate to support people at the end of their life, people who are facing their own mortality or have death anxiety.
In my experience loss is ever present in our lives. The loss of a loved one, the unthinkable loss of a child, a miscarriage, infertility, the loss of our own identity, the loss of a future you had planned, loss of our own physicality, the loss of a relationship, a big life change, the loss of a job, the loss of a pet, a home, a prized possession just to name a few. They are all significant experiences in our lives.
For the purpose of this discussion I will concentrate on the death of a loved one. I do not pretend that any of these things I have written are my own invention. I certainly am not the first person to discuss them and write about them. However one thing is true, all of this experience I write about has come from my clients. There are bereavement models that can sometimes help us to navigate through our feelings and what is happening for us. There are themes that come up amongst everyone, which can be helpful and reassuring, it can sometimes help and normalise how you are experiencing life. These are important but we will only discuss it if it feels relevant. Your experience is unique, in being unique it does not make it wrong, every emotion and experience is welcome in the space. There is no good or bad, just emotions to explore.
Some people feel that bereavement counselling, is separate from other counselling. In my experience this is not the case. Loss can feel like it pulls the metaphorical tablecloth from under our laden table of life. Everything that has happened past, present and future can be rewritten with that loss. It can create great instability in your life, body and mind. The full force of the unknown can feel like it is weighing down on you. You may have to figure out what that relationship meant to you, how it affects you now, what it can bring up from the past, and how you can continue the relationship after they have gone. For me the relationship you had with the person you have lost is unique, no one has ever experienced that relationship, its complexities and nuances. Someone’s relationship with a parent/caregiver/partner/grandparent mean so many different things. I would never pretend to know what you are going through. My intention is always to walk alongside you and try my best to see your life through your eyes, as close as humanly possible.
It can also be a beautiful, loving, special and transformational time in our lives. With the dark there is light and we do not need to focus on either aspect. Norms go out the window in the counselling space we create. Every aspect is welcome and accepted.
There is also the societal element that can affect people in grief. The way your loved one passed away, the potential lack of understanding from friends and family, work and colleagues. Your relationship with that person, may not be understood in the narrow way we can perceive society to define relationships. Some people may not know how to speak about your loss to you, it may feel insensitive or lonely. You may feel rushed to ‘get over’ your grief, get back to normality. Feel a pressure to be ‘doing well’ and ‘putting a face on’ or ‘not talking about it all the time’. A rush that after 1 month, 6 months, 1 year you should be over it and moving on with life. You may want to pause the world, wonder why life is going on around you, feel emotions so strong and deep they overwhelm you and you feel stuck, you may also feel numb to everything.
You may be unable to speak to loved ones, family and friends, about the person who has died, because their relationship or perception of the person was very different to yours. You may feel alone and misunderstood in your grief.
On a practical day to day perspective, your whole life may have changed, even down to using the word ‘I’ or ‘me’ rather than ‘ours’ or ‘us’. You have the practical side of loss to organise, possessions, houses, funerals, bills and the every changing landscape of emotions, and deep felt grief. Then the task of deciding What Now? Who am I without this person? What do I want for myself? Or even existential questions around your faith, religion or the bigger picture.
